There comes a point in your life when you think, ‘I give up, there is too much to do’.
Actually, I frequently have these points in my life and currently I am wallowing spectacularly in one.
It’s like, when you have an exam and you know, you just KNOW, that there is absolutely no way you are going to cover everything because let’s face it there is too much left to do.
This is what my training status quo is at. There is too much left to do, and I am scared now, because no matter what I do it will not be enough.
It’s my own dumb fault really. I have this Type A personality problem whereby I have to be busy always, be involved in a million trillion things simultaneously, but in the end spontaneously combust through sheer exhaustion or stress, or both. Usually both. And then, I also have this other problem which actually I think I have only recently discovered or fully admitted to myself. I am great with the ideas, and the enthusiasm and excitement but when it comes to commitment I think I lack a certain conviction. Or actually, that’s only partially true. I’m very very driven and focussed when it comes to anything related to my job, work, education, means in which to make money, full time occupation… (you catch my drift), but anything else, well, I think that little thing called fear starts to take over.
Fear is a rather annoying thing isn’t it? Because if you think about it, it’s really just a way in which to cripple yourself. A way to create a barrier from fulfilling your full potential. A way to prevent you from growing, learning, gaining, experiencing and generally becoming a better version of yourself. Fear is my number 1 enemy in life. And yet, I hold it so close to me that sometimes I wonder if it is in fact my number 1 friend.
Today, I feel afraid. I feel afraid because I have not trained hard enough. I feel afraid because half my kit is still reaching its way to me. I feel afraid because I have too many little things to sort out before I leave and I am making lists of my lists that I don’t really know which list to start with. So instead, I am sitting mute, because my brain is tired. It is exhausted because it has been in over drive for the last few weeks due to stress and now it is screaming, ‘Stop. I want to sit still and be quiet now. You are doing too much.’
Do I listen or do I train? Do I listen or do I keep looking for the perfect kit? Do I listen or do I keep forming my lists of socks, sunscreen, vaseline, gaffa tape, aloe vera and all sorts of other medical essentials and toiletries from Boots? Do I listen or do I search for the cheapest but optimal camera on the market, and haggle till I can haggle no more? Do I listen or do I sign up to more shifts to facilitate the ever growing need for money to facilitate these stupid adventures? Do I listen or do I check and cross check every single tiny detail of my trip to ensure I am ‘safe’ at all times? Do I listen or do I ensure I have enough vaccinations to last me for 10 years where within those 10 years they will tell me I still need 5 boosters even though I have been to India every year of my life since I was 10 months old and could probably donate my antibodies to the orphans in Africa? Do I listen or do I read up on what climbing Everest actually entails? Do I listen or do I meet up with all the cool people who have climbed (yes climbed and summited) Everest before? Do I listen or do I contact a very Senior and very important work colleague who has done research up Everest (his own blood gases, that’s right, crazy people) and organise to do some sort of research up there? Do I listen or do I think about how I am going to co-ordinate getting from Nepal to Deharadun to carry out my charity work with Saphara, via ?Delhi whilst by-passing some kind of suitcase and cheap salwar store so I can purchase some clothes that are a bit more decent than the stinky, wet and dirty trekking gear I have been hiking in for the past 18 days? Do I listen or do I tell it all to just shut up because quite frankly you are giving me a headache and I don’t have time for one of those? Do I listen, or do I just stop?
I have one more question for the general public and would be grateful for any answers-How do you all blog from these remote places? How do you access wifi or 3G or find a computer up there? What do you do? How do you keep your thoughts alive and live for us the readers? Because, quite frankly, amidst all that fear is another friend-Excitement. Excitement at what I do not yet know. Excitement for how it will look. Excitement for the people I will meet. Excitement for the challenge I will face. Excitement. And I want to be able to share that excitement with you as best as I can.
So if you know, let me know-how do you blog from up a mountain? What equipment do you need and how expensive does it get?
I have 2 weeks until my travels begin, 4 weeks until the trek.
I am scared, but I am also bristling with excitement.
No, I do not listen.